Dear GOD where do I begin? For the past year I put down this blog. I debated walking away permanently, deleting the whole thing. There were several reasons for putting it on the back burner. I needed a break. My original intention when I started the blog was to have a place to vent my emotions as a stay at home mom, and to chronicle the funny stories of our life. I wanted to reach out to other moms and let them know yes, I have a messy house, my kids are unruly, my life is not perfect and that I do have flaws just like every one of you.
Then I started reading all these other DIY blogs and I became a bit obsessed with blogging. I turned this blog into something that it was not originally intended for. I wanted to always maintain exactly who I am, to be honest, to show my flaws and just be real. Then came the problem. I started to worry about what people would think. I started to filter what I would say on here in fear of judgement from others. Then I started to worry that people would think that I was writing this blog just to bring attention to myself. I felt that I was giving off this false persona of who I was. A filtered, watered down version of me and my family. I was obsessed with traffic to my blog and how many "likes" I would get. I started looking at my life compared to other bloggers and other women and I felt like I didn't measure up. My house didn't measure up. My relationship with God didn't measure up. My mothering skills didn't measure up. I started to feel like a failure in every aspect of my life.
I had to walk away. I had to breathe. I had to find myself and figure out who I was. So, I took almost a year off. I focused on working on myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Have I got it all figured out yet? Not. At. All. If anything I'm still continuing daily to try and find my identity in Christ rather than try and do it on my own. It's a battle.
This past year has honestly been one of the roughest years of my life and of our family's life. I've found out areas in my life that I'm truly strong, and I've found areas that I'm very weak. The more and more that I tried to take control of my own life over the past year, the more everything seemed to unravel around me. A lot of times I think this is because God is whispering (or sometimes shouting) in my ear to let him have control. I have a hard time doing that I have a hard time trusting him, then he reminds me of a sermon by one of my favorite preachers Matt Chandler. In his sermon on Colossians titled "The Afflictions of Christ" he says the following.
"The passive wrath of God is the most terrifying thing in the bible. For God to just to leave you healthy and content with everything going perfect all the days of your life all the way to the judgment seat until you are damned would be cruel of God. For him to put a thorn in the flesh, break your hip, free up your hands on the myth of control and show you how dependent you are on Him is one of the most merciful things He can do for you."
"It is not the wrath of God for difficulty to befall on us...He is revealing to you out of His mercy your desperate need for him and your lack of control and ability to manipulate your environment."
Wow. I do not know when I will EVER learn to trust him completely, to give him FULL control of everything. I think once I actually DO learn that I will be able to just breathe, to relax and to rest in the fact that HE has it handled.
THAT is the point I'm working toward. That is what this past year has been about.
I don't know when I'll be "back" as far as blogging is concerned. I have no idea if this is the first of many posts or the last of them all. Those nagging feelings of inadequacy are still there, the insecurities, the worries, but I'm working on them. The fact that I'm able to hit "publish" on this is a huge victory for me.
I'll be in touch...or maybe not. We will see.
Friday, July 6, 2012
So I did it. I drank the Koolaid, took the plunge and joined Crossfit.
My husband has been begging me to join with him for the past year, but I was just not willing to let go of my YMCA membership. I had excuse after excuse....the YMCA is close, has all the classes I want, has free daycare, is inexpensive etc...etc...etc..
But there was one BIG problem. I wasn't making progress.
For like the past six months I've felt that I've really come to a standstill on my working out. I knew what I needed to do, Crossfit was nagging me in the back of my mind, but still all those reasons above were playing OVER and OVER in my head.
I finally made the decision that once my husband got back from OCS for the Guard that I would give Crossfit a try with him. After all I was all ready feeding our family Paleo, so I was half way there... ;)
So the day came for me to hit up Crossfit with Jamin. To say that I was FREAKED out was an understatement. I about threw up from the nerves alone before I even got there. Most of the nerves was actually from social anxiety. Some was from the workout. I knew a little of what I was in for, I'd done a couple WOD's with him before for benefits and such, and he had shown me some heavy lifting moves that I could do myself at the Y. The part that scared me so much is I was the little YMCA girl, the JV girl trying to go hang out with the Varsity jocks.
Once they kicked up the music, and the WOD started I was just fine. The coaches were AMAZING. They scaled the workouts for me and really helped me work on getting my form right.
The workout SUCKED.
I loved EVERY minute of it.
I was hooked. There was NO going back to the Y.
I've done two more WOD's since then. My social anxiety is getting better. EVERYONE there is super awesome. When we were running the 800 meter part of the WOD the other night everyone just cheered everyone on as you passed by each other. It's like a big family, everyone is super encouraging and nobody made me feel bad for scaling the workout or having to show me what to do.
Speaking of what I did. Here is what I did that day:
Shoulder Press: Didn't do weight on this, just the 45lb bar. Getting my form right.
100 Double Unders (300 singles) (I scaled to 300 singles...can't do double unders yet)
15 Handstand push ups (scaled to knees on the box for me)
30 reverse burpees
30 Kettlebell sumo deadlift high pull
30 Walking lunges (scaled to 15lb plate overhead for me)
I thought I would puke several times. I about peed myself jumping rope. I didn't thankfully.
I finished in 17:48. The awesome thing about Crossfit is that it's you against YOU. You just try and beat your time every time, each time I'll get better, I'll get faster, I'll get stronger. ONE day I'll be able to say that I RX'd a WOD. (That's Crossfit talk for doing a workout as prescribed, you see I'm one of the cool kids now learning their lingo....)
It's not gonna be easy. These workouts are beyond INSANE. I have to give up my YMCA membership, my free daycare, and I have to try and fit it into our schedule somehow and make it work. It WILL be worth it. I can't wait.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Holy cow has it been a MONTH since my last post? For a while there I was actually on track doing a few posts a week, then life happens and well I stop posting.
Anyhow I've been busy doing Paleo, working out, camping and going to Phoenix...I got back this week and my kids are now all out of school and I'm just busy trying to get into some kind of summertime routine. You know, swim lessons, VBS, summer camps etc...
Anyhow I had a WONDERFUL time in Phoenix, so I thought I'd post a little about my trip there and my time with my family. Oh how I miss them so much, Phoenix, eh, I can leave it. I miss those mountains but I'll take my green grass and rolling hills any day over the dry desert. Oklahoma is really home now, and I realize that more than ever, but it's so healing to be able to go back and see my family. Either way, it's sacrifice, when I'm here, I miss them terribly, when I'm there I miss my home.
My dad and I drove it STRAIGHT THROUGH. 15 hours was the drive. It was great. Yes, I had to listen to quite a bit of country gospel and Alan Jackson, but dad also had to listen to some Florence and the Machine, Civil War's and Mumford and Son's, so it all worked out. Had a great time with my dad and I'm so thankful I got to take this trip with him.
|Me and my dad. Love him. Best dad EVER.|
My first day there started out with a run. Yes, I ran. On vacation. Jamin said that I wouldn't run, then he corrected himself and said "oh, you will run ONCE only so you can prove me wrong." Well I ran TWICE so poo on you Jamin....anyhow the run was ok. Since it was like 5:30 Phoenix time it was only like 80 degrees out, but the air felt thick. Hard to breathe. Turns out there was an ozone advisory that day. Duh. That's something I'm not used to.
After my run, I got ready and headed over to my brothers house where they were (and still are) in the middle of a massive remodel. Hung around with them for a good portion of the day, then of course headed to Chino Bandito's for lunch.
For those of you who have never heard of it, Chino's is a Chinese/Mexican fusion restaurant. There are two, one in Phoenix and one in Chandler. It's amazingly yum. Featured on Diners, Drive In's and Dives even. SO effing good.
|I promise it tastes better than it looks. YUM.|
The next morning I got to visit with my step mother in law (is that even a real word?) at their restaurant that they own down near the zoo. This meal (unlike Chino's) was actually Paleo. I had a chorizo omelet and it was fantastic. God I love food.
Good thing I ate Paleo that morning, because I pretty much blew it the rest of the day, including getting TWO Venti Caramel Vanilla Latte's from Starbucks.
That afternoon I spent the day running around with my sister in law getting all the decorations and such for my nephews family party and open house. That night, I got to take my nephew shopping for his clothes to wear under his gown. That was a fun experience that ended with him getting a bow tie. Glad I got to spend the time with him. He is too funny.
Came home and spent some time gathering photos and starting to make the "shrine" as my nephew would call it.
|He is one talented young man. I'm one proud aunt.|
|I don't think he can take a serious photo|
|Me, Gwen, my SIL, Chris, Jon (brother) and Dad|
|my nephew and me|
That night we all sat around and my nephew busted out his guitar. Not only is he athletic, funny and handsome, but he has such a heart for God and an anointing on his life. I was so glad to hear him sing a bit of worship. I'll cherish this memory forever.
The next day I spent time shopping at the mall with some of the kids there, then afterwards went out to dinner with my besties. SO. MUCH. FUN. I always
The next day was spent with lunch at the in law's house, then a huge open house party for my nephew. Got to see a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in years. Got pretty freaked out by a large tortoise also while I was at the party. The thing was HUGE. By now though I was really starting to miss my husband and kids and I was getting pretty homesick. A week is a LONG time to be away from all of them.
Sunday I got to go to church and hear my brother preach, ate lunch at Macayo's. Got a baja burrito (worth every calorie). By now I was starting to really dread the long drive back (not because it was with my dad, he is awesome but just because it's SO long of a drive.)
The drive WAS long. We got to OKC around ten pm. My husband had the house clean and it smelled good. Laundry was done. The kids were all alive without a scratch on them. I have one dang good man (oh, and mother in law, I have to give her a TON OF CREDIT). I don't think things would have gone near as smoothly without here here. She is one amazing lady.
I had a great trip, but it was good to be home. Next year my niece graduates. She is number TWO out of his five kids, I have four and my husbands sister in Austin has three more that will graduate. I think we know what our spring plans will be for quite some time. That's ok though, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.